Day 9: How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like
I pray every day for a long, happy, healthy life with Brandon. That we can figure out our financial situation, that we can live within our means but comfortably. That we will be a good influence on Molly, that I will learn to love her as my own. That I will fulfill my professional dreams, that I will do something I'm proud of. That we'll buy a house somewhere off the beaten path and enjoy life and not take it too seriously. I hope that my mom will move to MO so I can see her more often. I pray that I'll put good energy out into the world and that good energy will come back to me. I just want to live life to the fullest and learn how to not sweat the small stuff. As Brandon always tells me...I just want to relax.
Day 10: Discuss Your First Love and First Kiss
These aren't necessarily the same person. By far my first love was Michael Shaffer. We were fifteen and I had never felt that way before. He loved me for everything I was and everything I wasn't. Or as much as you can love someone at fifteen. But we were intense. We spent every waking hour together or on the phone. He opened my Dr. Pepper's before dinner because he knew I liked it better flat, he wrote me poetry, and bought 10 packs of flavored Mentos then took them all apart and put together one pack of just the purple ones because they were my favorite. He made me feel complete and he made the beginning of high school great. He was a big part of me and how I came to understand love and I'm grateful for him. We still talk and check on each other's family. I wish him nothing but the best.
I honestly don't remember my first kiss. I would say my first "real" kiss came from the son of one of the ladies at daycare. I developed a lot faster than most girls and while I'm no looker now, I turned heads when I was younger. He was significantly older than me but I remember that we kissed while on a skating field trip and I thought I was the be all end all with the older man checkin' me out!!
Day 11: Put your iPod on Shuffle and list the first 10 songs.
I don't really use my iPod, so I'm going to pull up iTunes and do this:
1. Tall Tall Trees-Alan Jackson
2. Bonafied Lovin'-Chromeo
3. On My Way-Ingram Hill
4. All I Want (remix)-Toad the Wet Sprocket
5. I Play the Road-Zac Brown Band
6. Sooner Surrender-Matt Nathanson
7. The Christmas Song-Nat King Cole--I love love love Christmas music! :-)
8. How Far We've Come-Matchbox Twenty
9. New Kind of Cool-Rescues
10. All I Want to Do-Sugarland
That is actually a pretty good representation of my tastes.
Day 12: Bullet Your Whole Day
*Got up at 7:15AM
*Worked from 8:00AM-4:15PM
*Went to the library to return one book and check out another
*Dropped off the mail at the post office
*Arrived home and did a Jillian Michaels workout video
*Showered
*Ate dinner with Brandon
*Currently waiting for the Braves/Pirates game to start due to a stupid rain delay
*Going to bed
That's all for today, I'll see if I can't get caught up on everything tomorrow.
G'night!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
30 Day Challenge: Day 8-A Time You Felt Satisfied With Your Life
Day 8: A Time You Felt Satisfied With Your Life
Right now. I will be the first to admit that we have a lot of work to do before we are financially where we should be and where we will be comfortable, we are definitely behind in that regard. But I feel like I have been searching my entire life for this man and this life and this happiness. There are goals I still have that have been put on the back burner in order to make it day to day. But I believe that I will get back to school for OT and we will get on our feet financially and we will settle into our lives. I know that eventually we'll get married, which weighs on me, and we will work toward our goals together. I can honestly say this is the happiest I've ever been, and even the way it came about was a stroke of luck...or perhaps we were on those converging paths all along.
Right now. I will be the first to admit that we have a lot of work to do before we are financially where we should be and where we will be comfortable, we are definitely behind in that regard. But I feel like I have been searching my entire life for this man and this life and this happiness. There are goals I still have that have been put on the back burner in order to make it day to day. But I believe that I will get back to school for OT and we will get on our feet financially and we will settle into our lives. I know that eventually we'll get married, which weighs on me, and we will work toward our goals together. I can honestly say this is the happiest I've ever been, and even the way it came about was a stroke of luck...or perhaps we were on those converging paths all along.
30 Day Challenge: Day 7-My Zodiac Sign and If It Fits Me
Day 7: Zodiac Sign
First of all, I have a tattoo of my Capricorn symbol on my back because while I disagree with the statements above I do believe I fit the general outline of how Capricorns act. I am driven and stubborn and have tendencies to be negative and self-defeating.
Overall, I'm most definitely a typical Goat or Capricorn.
Capricorn Personality
Capricorn people are very ambitious individuals who are born to achieve. Their life motto is “I Attain”. People born under this sign of the zodiac have a single goal in mind and that is to leave behind an assortment of achievements for which they are revered. Capricorn individuals may have a negative trait of being overly materialistic as their drive for success often gets them into this habit. These individuals are extremely hard-working and disciplined with high endurance and perseverance. Capricorn people are passionate about their goals which enable them to achieve so much in life. Many a times their seriousness turns to pessimism and they have a weak sense of humor.First of all, I have a tattoo of my Capricorn symbol on my back because while I disagree with the statements above I do believe I fit the general outline of how Capricorns act. I am driven and stubborn and have tendencies to be negative and self-defeating.
Overall, I'm most definitely a typical Goat or Capricorn.
Friday, July 15, 2011
30 Day Challenge: Day 6-30 Interesting Facts about Myself Part 1
Day 6: 30 Interesting Facts About Myself
This is gonna be tough, because I want them to be actually interesting. But here we go:
1. If I could go back in time and marry a movie star it would be Paul Newman, circa 1958.
2. I have to have captions on when I watch movies or TV even though I'm not hearing impaired.
3. I love bad reality TV-Big Brother, Survivor, anything on Bravo...the works!
4. I'm a bibliophile.
5. I have serious serious body image issues.
6. I have gone from 240 lbs to 156 lbs, and it will never be enough.
7. My cat Hiro is like my kid.
8. Even though I'm with the love of my life, I feel so inadequate because I'm not married yet.
9. I have determined through helping raise my boyfriend's child that even though I have no interest in having kids and actually don't like them very much, I am quite a good (although firm) mother.
10. My mom is my absolute best friend, I absolutely couldn't live without her and I miss her every day.
11. I'm still in awe of the fact that I up and moved halfway across the country and it's the best thing I've ever done.
This completes part one, because I can't think of anything else right now. :)
This is gonna be tough, because I want them to be actually interesting. But here we go:
1. If I could go back in time and marry a movie star it would be Paul Newman, circa 1958.
2. I have to have captions on when I watch movies or TV even though I'm not hearing impaired.
3. I love bad reality TV-Big Brother, Survivor, anything on Bravo...the works!
4. I'm a bibliophile.
5. I have serious serious body image issues.
6. I have gone from 240 lbs to 156 lbs, and it will never be enough.
7. My cat Hiro is like my kid.
9. I have determined through helping raise my boyfriend's child that even though I have no interest in having kids and actually don't like them very much, I am quite a good (although firm) mother.
10. My mom is my absolute best friend, I absolutely couldn't live without her and I miss her every day.
11. I'm still in awe of the fact that I up and moved halfway across the country and it's the best thing I've ever done.
This completes part one, because I can't think of anything else right now. :)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
30 Day Challenge: Day 5-A Time You Thought About Killing Yourself
Day 5: A Time You Thought About Killing Yourself
This is easy...I've never seriously thought about it. I went through a slight melo-dramatic phase in my teens but I have been very very blessed in my life with my family, friends, and things that have happened to me.
Life rules...I think I'll stick around!
This is easy...I've never seriously thought about it. I went through a slight melo-dramatic phase in my teens but I have been very very blessed in my life with my family, friends, and things that have happened to me.
Life rules...I think I'll stick around!
30 Day Challenge: Day 4-Your Views on Religion
Day 4: Your Views on Religion
My distrust of organized religion started when I was a child and was made to attend a very very conservative Southern Baptist church with my grandmother. I loved the singing but then the preachers, only men of course, would spend the next hour or so hollering and yelling about fire and brimstone and how we'll all burn in hell if we aren't "saved".
Women weren't allowed to speak and weren't allowed to wear pants, because this obviously would hinder in our worshiping of God. When I asked my grandmother how I was supposed to know it was time for me to be "saved", she told me I'd get a heavy feeling in my chest and I wouldn't be able to shake it, I'd feel like something was wrong. Then I would know I was 'lost' and needed to be 'saved'. The only thing more opaque than that was the way the act of saving was accomplished. Once someone felt this heaviness they would go up the the altar at the front of the church and kneel and pray and pray and pray. This would go on for hours, late into the night. All members of the congregation would kneel around them while the men preached and we sang and prayed. Having never experienced it myself I'm not sure how one knew that they had been saved but eventually after enough praying a feeling of lightness and relief would spread over you and the uncertain feeling in your heart would dissipate. I never understood it and never agreed with it. But since I was made to go and made to attend revival, that's church three times a day for seven days in the summer, by the time I was old enough to drive I'd had enough.
I shunned church and God and religion all together, even judging those who held so tightly to such an outdated idea...until I moved to MO. I felt like things were coming together for me, that my life here was going to be what I was looking for but that something was missing. My sister's friend invited us to attend her church, which was in walking distance of my apartment, and check it out. We did and, surprisingly, it felt like home. The people were great, everyone was welcoming, there was free doughnuts! The only thing that tripped me up was this idea of Jesus. I, without a doubt, believe there is a higher power up there. If you want to call him God, Allah, Buddah, whatever it doesn't matter to me. I pray to a higher power for strength and guidance. I just couldn't get past the idea of him. Regardless, it was great but still a little too Jesus centered for me. I also attended a Unitarian Universalist church and I loved it, it was everything I was looking for...just too far away.
Lately I've been feeling that something was missing again, wanting to find a church that is just right. Something non-denominational that fits me. It would make me feel more connected to my community and would be a way to get involved. I suppose I shouldn't quit looking because I know there is a church that would feel right and would have everything I need. Maybe this will be my personal pilgrimage.
My distrust of organized religion started when I was a child and was made to attend a very very conservative Southern Baptist church with my grandmother. I loved the singing but then the preachers, only men of course, would spend the next hour or so hollering and yelling about fire and brimstone and how we'll all burn in hell if we aren't "saved".
Women weren't allowed to speak and weren't allowed to wear pants, because this obviously would hinder in our worshiping of God. When I asked my grandmother how I was supposed to know it was time for me to be "saved", she told me I'd get a heavy feeling in my chest and I wouldn't be able to shake it, I'd feel like something was wrong. Then I would know I was 'lost' and needed to be 'saved'. The only thing more opaque than that was the way the act of saving was accomplished. Once someone felt this heaviness they would go up the the altar at the front of the church and kneel and pray and pray and pray. This would go on for hours, late into the night. All members of the congregation would kneel around them while the men preached and we sang and prayed. Having never experienced it myself I'm not sure how one knew that they had been saved but eventually after enough praying a feeling of lightness and relief would spread over you and the uncertain feeling in your heart would dissipate. I never understood it and never agreed with it. But since I was made to go and made to attend revival, that's church three times a day for seven days in the summer, by the time I was old enough to drive I'd had enough.
I shunned church and God and religion all together, even judging those who held so tightly to such an outdated idea...until I moved to MO. I felt like things were coming together for me, that my life here was going to be what I was looking for but that something was missing. My sister's friend invited us to attend her church, which was in walking distance of my apartment, and check it out. We did and, surprisingly, it felt like home. The people were great, everyone was welcoming, there was free doughnuts! The only thing that tripped me up was this idea of Jesus. I, without a doubt, believe there is a higher power up there. If you want to call him God, Allah, Buddah, whatever it doesn't matter to me. I pray to a higher power for strength and guidance. I just couldn't get past the idea of him. Regardless, it was great but still a little too Jesus centered for me. I also attended a Unitarian Universalist church and I loved it, it was everything I was looking for...just too far away.
Lately I've been feeling that something was missing again, wanting to find a church that is just right. Something non-denominational that fits me. It would make me feel more connected to my community and would be a way to get involved. I suppose I shouldn't quit looking because I know there is a church that would feel right and would have everything I need. Maybe this will be my personal pilgrimage.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
30 Day Challenge: Day 3-Views on Drugs and Alcohol
Day 3: Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol
This is likely to be a short entry as I don't have many views on the subject of drugs and alcohol. I'm not really a fan of either. I had a very short, very mild, "party" period where Lynzie and I went to a local bar and got drunk about once a month, if that, and I never really drank in college. In fact, I didn't even have a drink until I was legal...man I'm boring! As for drugs, I've tried weed, bad weed at that, once and all it did was make me want to lay my head on the bathroom sink faucet...I didn't get the awesome high with the calorie bursting muchies that Kevin Smith raves about. I probably just needed better weed.
Regardless, I'm dating an Irish guy who has whiskey running through his veins and he drinks enough for the both of us. So it has become a large part of our lives.
As for others, I don't understand the appeal for young people unless it's a form of rebellion. It's empty calories and a recipe for disaster. People these days aren't smart enough to drink responsibly and make good decisions. In fact, it feels like young people these days are all in competition for who can be the dumbest and make the worst decisions. I know I sound like a crotchety old woman, and maybe I am, but I know that I would never put myself, my loved ones, or others at risk like people do today.
Just watching documentaries like American Meth and shows like Intervention has shown me the flip side of what drugs and alcohol can do when abused.
To me, I'd rather keep my teeth and internal organs and spend my money on a new outfit or even more exciting, a new book! :-)
This is likely to be a short entry as I don't have many views on the subject of drugs and alcohol. I'm not really a fan of either. I had a very short, very mild, "party" period where Lynzie and I went to a local bar and got drunk about once a month, if that, and I never really drank in college. In fact, I didn't even have a drink until I was legal...man I'm boring! As for drugs, I've tried weed, bad weed at that, once and all it did was make me want to lay my head on the bathroom sink faucet...I didn't get the awesome high with the calorie bursting muchies that Kevin Smith raves about. I probably just needed better weed.
Regardless, I'm dating an Irish guy who has whiskey running through his veins and he drinks enough for the both of us. So it has become a large part of our lives.
As for others, I don't understand the appeal for young people unless it's a form of rebellion. It's empty calories and a recipe for disaster. People these days aren't smart enough to drink responsibly and make good decisions. In fact, it feels like young people these days are all in competition for who can be the dumbest and make the worst decisions. I know I sound like a crotchety old woman, and maybe I am, but I know that I would never put myself, my loved ones, or others at risk like people do today.
Just watching documentaries like American Meth and shows like Intervention has shown me the flip side of what drugs and alcohol can do when abused.
To me, I'd rather keep my teeth and internal organs and spend my money on a new outfit or even more exciting, a new book! :-)
Monday, July 11, 2011
30 Day Challenge: Day 2-Where I'd Like to Be in 10 Years
Day 2: Where You'd Like to Be In 5 Years
This is something I've been thinking about since I graduated college with an absolutely useless degree. To be honest, 10 years seem so far away. I'm trying to focus on the day to day but in the spirit of this challenge I will say 5 years instead.
Professionally: This is tough for me, probably because at 28 I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be professionally. I went to college and honestly (or more accurately naively) thought that it would mean something. That it would mean a better life for me. Unfortunately it didn't work that way. It took a very long time to figure out that my passion lies with Occupational Therapy. I started working towards it and thought I was on my way when I was accepted to Rockhurst. Then I lost my job and had to turn it down. I know everything happens for a reason, and I'm not sure what that reason is yet but if it's something I'm meant to do then I'll do it. However, to answer the question, in five years I want to be close to completing my Masters in Occupational Therapy with a placement at John Knox Village or something equivalent. I know that's where I belong and I just have to remember not to give up just because it doesn't come to me easy.
Personally: This is much easier. ;-) I have already met the love of my life and I know I'll be spending the rest of my life with Brandon but right now I just know that I want to be married. I hate that I'm so envious of everyone getting married, because it should be enough to know that we'll be together forever and that eventually we will get married. We are just no where near where we should be financially to get engaged and plan and pay for a wedding. I know that I want to get engaged just so I'm engaged and have that ring on my finger and that's shallow...but it doesn't make it any easier to smile when everyone else is doing it.
Also, as I've said before B has Molly who's turning four. As someone who didn't want kids it's been a long process. I'd like to be a solid family unit within 5 years and as for more kids, we even talked about this tonight. I honestly believe that we won't have any more kids, so it's more about enhancing the family unit we already have.
With regards to friendships, this has been more challenging since college than I could have ever imagined!! Why is making friends so hard?! I met my very first best friend in the line for the bathroom the very first day of first grade. I turned to her and said: "Want to be my best friend?" and that was that! We were inseparable for the four years following. I'm not sure what the adult equivalent is of that phrase but I wish I knew. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life between work, kids, pets, and established lives and cliques who has the time to make friends? Of course it was even harder for me since I picked up and left all my friends behind and moved to a new state. With that being said, my friends from home as still amazing but if staying in touch when we were 30 minutes away was tough, imagine how tough it is when I'm 13 hours away. I don't know the secret to making friends, but I do know that friendships are something that is missing in my life. I am unsure how to change that and to move forward but I think that my new friends at work will help and I will always know that I can call Danielle, Lynzie, or Tinelle any time.
Body Image: Ok I know I've come a long way from where I started. Going from 240 to 155 is a big deal, and I don't know why it's not enough but I just know it isn't. Within the next 5 years I'd like to work on becoming happy with myself and how I look. I don't know if losing another 10 lbs is what I need or working on the psychological side of it, but I know that I'm not in a healthy place right now. I honestly think if I weighed 90 lbs it wouldn't be enough..of course Brandon would leave me without my ta-tas and my badunkadunk but it's what I see in the mirror that counts. And right now it's tough, I need to learn to accept and be happy or at least proud with everything I've accomplished instead of worrying why it isn't enough. This is a major issue for me and something I really need to work on. Everyone has a little bit of crazy and this is mine...
I know there are other things I'd like to have come to pass in the next 5 years but these are the biggies. I don't know if I'll be able to look back 5 years from now on this pseudo checklist and see how far I've come but I hope I can use this as a guide or reminder of what I really want out of life so that I don't forget where I'm going, where I came from, and more importantly that I'm not traveling there alone.
This is something I've been thinking about since I graduated college with an absolutely useless degree. To be honest, 10 years seem so far away. I'm trying to focus on the day to day but in the spirit of this challenge I will say 5 years instead.
Professionally: This is tough for me, probably because at 28 I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be professionally. I went to college and honestly (or more accurately naively) thought that it would mean something. That it would mean a better life for me. Unfortunately it didn't work that way. It took a very long time to figure out that my passion lies with Occupational Therapy. I started working towards it and thought I was on my way when I was accepted to Rockhurst. Then I lost my job and had to turn it down. I know everything happens for a reason, and I'm not sure what that reason is yet but if it's something I'm meant to do then I'll do it. However, to answer the question, in five years I want to be close to completing my Masters in Occupational Therapy with a placement at John Knox Village or something equivalent. I know that's where I belong and I just have to remember not to give up just because it doesn't come to me easy.
Personally: This is much easier. ;-) I have already met the love of my life and I know I'll be spending the rest of my life with Brandon but right now I just know that I want to be married. I hate that I'm so envious of everyone getting married, because it should be enough to know that we'll be together forever and that eventually we will get married. We are just no where near where we should be financially to get engaged and plan and pay for a wedding. I know that I want to get engaged just so I'm engaged and have that ring on my finger and that's shallow...but it doesn't make it any easier to smile when everyone else is doing it.
Also, as I've said before B has Molly who's turning four. As someone who didn't want kids it's been a long process. I'd like to be a solid family unit within 5 years and as for more kids, we even talked about this tonight. I honestly believe that we won't have any more kids, so it's more about enhancing the family unit we already have.
With regards to friendships, this has been more challenging since college than I could have ever imagined!! Why is making friends so hard?! I met my very first best friend in the line for the bathroom the very first day of first grade. I turned to her and said: "Want to be my best friend?" and that was that! We were inseparable for the four years following. I'm not sure what the adult equivalent is of that phrase but I wish I knew. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life between work, kids, pets, and established lives and cliques who has the time to make friends? Of course it was even harder for me since I picked up and left all my friends behind and moved to a new state. With that being said, my friends from home as still amazing but if staying in touch when we were 30 minutes away was tough, imagine how tough it is when I'm 13 hours away. I don't know the secret to making friends, but I do know that friendships are something that is missing in my life. I am unsure how to change that and to move forward but I think that my new friends at work will help and I will always know that I can call Danielle, Lynzie, or Tinelle any time.
Body Image: Ok I know I've come a long way from where I started. Going from 240 to 155 is a big deal, and I don't know why it's not enough but I just know it isn't. Within the next 5 years I'd like to work on becoming happy with myself and how I look. I don't know if losing another 10 lbs is what I need or working on the psychological side of it, but I know that I'm not in a healthy place right now. I honestly think if I weighed 90 lbs it wouldn't be enough..of course Brandon would leave me without my ta-tas and my badunkadunk but it's what I see in the mirror that counts. And right now it's tough, I need to learn to accept and be happy or at least proud with everything I've accomplished instead of worrying why it isn't enough. This is a major issue for me and something I really need to work on. Everyone has a little bit of crazy and this is mine...
I know there are other things I'd like to have come to pass in the next 5 years but these are the biggies. I don't know if I'll be able to look back 5 years from now on this pseudo checklist and see how far I've come but I hope I can use this as a guide or reminder of what I really want out of life so that I don't forget where I'm going, where I came from, and more importantly that I'm not traveling there alone.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
A Challenge to Ignite My Spark: Day 1
So while I'm searching for a hobby, a direction, a purpose, I thought I would attempt a 30 Day Blog Challenge to get my creative writing juices flowing. It's frivolous and shallow I'm sure but it will get me in the habit of writing every day and thinking about things other than work, Brandon, and TV. So here goes:
Day 1: My Current RelationshipAmazing. Blessed. Fulfilling. Complete. Those are just a few of the words that describe the way I feel with Brandon.
He is everything I've ever wanted and deserved and never thought I'd get. I have ALWAYS given more than I've gotten in return in relationships, it was my trademark. I overcompensated for my low self-esteem by trying to give and give and give until there was none of me left. He found me when I was broken into a million pieces and doubting myself. He showed me what it meant to love unconditionally, to be myself completely and be loved for it. He showed me my true self and that someone would love me for it.
Our relationship started out with my heartbreak and his cockiness and promises to "take it slow", but soon we realized that there is no way to slow down when it's right and it's true. We said "I love you" two weeks in and moved in together (my first time living with someone) a month later.
To be fair, we have definitely had our challenges. He has a 3 year old little girl named Molly. Now as bad as this sounds, I don't like kids. Sure they are fine for a little while but I never planned on having any of my own, I'm entirely too selfish! But obviously she came as part of the package and I had to reach deep down inside to find any morsel of mommy gene that I previously thought completely absent from my genetic make-up. It has been, by far, our biggest challenge. But it has come full circle, from learning how to discipline to learning how to let go and love and accept, I've learned A LOT about myself and about our dynamic as the family unit we now are.
I pray to whatever higher power there is every day to bless us with a long, happy, healthy life together. I thank Him for bringing me Brandon and allowing me to see that I do deserve the best, and that I've found it. He will make me happy for the rest of my life...and I'll let him.
Day 1: My Current RelationshipAmazing. Blessed. Fulfilling. Complete. Those are just a few of the words that describe the way I feel with Brandon.
Our relationship started out with my heartbreak and his cockiness and promises to "take it slow", but soon we realized that there is no way to slow down when it's right and it's true. We said "I love you" two weeks in and moved in together (my first time living with someone) a month later.
To be fair, we have definitely had our challenges. He has a 3 year old little girl named Molly. Now as bad as this sounds, I don't like kids. Sure they are fine for a little while but I never planned on having any of my own, I'm entirely too selfish! But obviously she came as part of the package and I had to reach deep down inside to find any morsel of mommy gene that I previously thought completely absent from my genetic make-up. It has been, by far, our biggest challenge. But it has come full circle, from learning how to discipline to learning how to let go and love and accept, I've learned A LOT about myself and about our dynamic as the family unit we now are.
I pray to whatever higher power there is every day to bless us with a long, happy, healthy life together. I thank Him for bringing me Brandon and allowing me to see that I do deserve the best, and that I've found it. He will make me happy for the rest of my life...and I'll let him.
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